So far, we’ve found that there’s something very compassionate about these comforting phrases that can help others, and we love it when someone realizes how bad it is for us. ۔ And there was always something offensive about the terms “all right”, “all right”, even if they were full of love anyway. Now we know what is wrong with them.
If the baby falls, of course, we tell him, “Everything is fine,” because we want that to happen. We think this phrase shows that we are calm, delivered to children (and even adults), so it will be easier for them to go through difficult minutes and hours. Unfortunately, we are not doing well: there is something very toxic about these two words, even if we put it with extreme love.
In their joint essay, Sarah Ezren and Jennifer Chesapeake keep thinking about what goes on in a child’s mind, for example, when his mother reassures him after an injury: Everything is fine.
“For a long time, I thought it was my job to relieve her pain in this situation. At a young age, this responsibility seemed a bit solid.
If he was hungry, we ate. When he got tired we tried to get him to sleep. If her diaper was dirty we changed it. If he cried, he would have to remember somehow, “began the author, who now thinks quite differently.
She later observed that in cases where she tried to stop crying as soon as possible and said “everything is fine”, her baby would feel worse despite his best intentions.
“Crying is communication, right? Our son has always been able to express his feelings in the best way possible. And as he got older, his emotions got better.
- And suddenly he was not only sad or nervous from the present moment, but he was also slowly feeling the loss. I vividly remember her crying for the first time because of the separation problem. It was invincible, and it was a different cry than we’ve ever heard: a cry that causes hiccups, “he began.
“I immediately pulled it into my arms, but it still took me a long time to calm down. Nothing seemed to work, and I kept repeating, “All right, all is well,” as if I could persuade him to stop crying with my words, ”the author continued, who soon realized he had chosen the wrong tactics.
Ezrin began to wonder what, in the event of mourning or a period of stress, he would say if he would take care of his problems by saying, “everything is okay”. It was then clear to him that with one such sentence, even with the best of intentions, he was trying to nullify the other’s pain and send with him that he should not be frustrated by such trifles. It was then that she decided that she would rather try to understand, empathize with the child, and focus on being free to be sad in the future.
“It simply came to our notice then. We want everything to be fine with the other. But the reality is that nothing was right at that moment.
And the more I tried to convince him, the more I denied his feelings, so the situation got worse and worse, as the child had to face another hurtful circumstance, ”the author concluded.
In a sense, when we tell someone “it’s okay, everything’s fine,” while that’s obviously not the case, we inadvertently tell him that what he feels is wrong, wrong.
“When we do this with our children, we teach them to deny their experiences, so that wording is unfortunate.
He was sad and scared at that moment, and it was not only completely understandable to him that he felt that way, but also right, because that is his truth. So while I was rubbing my back and holding it tight, I decided to try something else. I started talking about his experience. I told him I understood what it was like to feel. I wondered how painful it must have been that he needed me and didn’t know where I was. I reassured him that I was there with him now and it was okay if he was sad. I encouraged him to let him go and I told him to sit with him for as long as he needed him, ”the author concluded.
“As I told him these things, his crying changed. Her breathing slowed, she sighed heavily, then hid in my shoulder, finally falling asleep. ”
Ezrin added, also emphasizing that it worked for his child from an early age.